treading the unknown

Here I am, coughing like crazy and absolutely refusing to take any form of medication. Sometimes I wonder whether I’m constantly treading on the path of self-destruction on purpose and where the hell is it finally going to lead to. I have a secret. I’m afraid of death. Seriously. Despite all the grand talk of not fearing death, there is still the wee bit fear of the dark unknown. Will it hurt? Will it be fast? Will I see flashes of light? Will there be someone at the end of the tunnel? Will someone be there to walk me home? Sometimes I wonder. At all the weirdest places too. Today i sat on the kitchen floor and ‘2 years’ just came to mind. 2 years to what I questioned. In 2 years, will my bargain be fulfilled? In 2 years, will I go home? Do I only have 2 years? What am I to fulfill in these 2 years? 2 years. Why 2 years? What 2 years? My mind raced as I scrambled to find answers but nothing came forth. 2 years. That seems like eternity and yet just a fleeting passing moment. A lot of things can happen. Why sit back and wait for it to unfold? Get down and do something. Anything. For now, I’ll just sleep. After tonight, it’ll be 1 year and 364 days.