the joyride

lately i’ve been feeling more acutely that I’ve been taken more and more for granted. Just because I choose not to move from where I am doesn’t mean I haven’t been observing what has been going around me. must I always be the constant in everyone’s life? sometimes, just sometimes, I would like to do the opposite, be defiant and screw up just like everybody else. just because everyone else always screw up doesn’t mean that it’s ok to always forgive them and when I decide for the one rare blue moon time to step out of the pedestal that you’ve given me and try to paint the town red, I get chastised for it. Phrases like ‘you have changed’ and ‘I don’t expect this from you’ follow closely behind. The term unfair doesn’t even cut it. Understandably that I should be reprimanded for my misdemeanor but why am I being measured on a different yardstick from everyone else? why is the tolerance level for my misdeeds so much lower? I’m not perfect. I am only human. But why when you screw up nary an apology and I keep quiet for want of harmony and peace, I get it straight back in my face. The irony of it all. If this is what happens when one is responsible and dependable then I don’t want anything to do with it. I’m tired of being the one who will always be there and will not f*** up. I quit. screw it.