somehow somewhere

I didn’t ask to be perfect. I didn’t ask for things to come my way. I didn’t ask for situations to happen. But why when things go all topsy-turvy, everyone looks for me for answers. I don’t know everything. I can’t fix everything. Why can’t people just stop looking for me for solutions to problems I didn’t create in the first place? Whenever did I become the all knowing fix-it person? Somewhere along the line, it’s become unfathomable for me to fail. To screw up. I’m not perfect you know. I’m still only human. A little one for that matter. An inexperienced one to boot. I didn’t ask to be ‘smart’ or rational. I was made to become that way. Didn’t anyone realize that I didn’t really have a choice in that matter? I can’t remember ever having a chance to whine, stomp around the place and throw massive tantrums. Every tear I’ve shed was most probably recycled back into my system. But frankly, one can only hold so much in before finally caving. sometimes, I think my shoulders ache out of pure exhaustion of an emotional level more than a physical kind. Can I for once be the person strewing the pieces around the place? Can I just sit here and not have any answers to give?
Can I finally just be at a loss at what to do?
Can I? May I?

getting old

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

*growing old is a super pain. thank goodness there’ll always be others older than me*

what's in a name

Elizabeth
Derivation : From “Elisheba” meaning “oath of God”
Origin : Hebrew
Character : Refined
Strengths : Has the ability to cope in a crisis
Physical : No goal is too high for her to reach
Emotional : Builds relationships that last

morose moments

many times I stand in a crowd and feel so alone
the world seems to be passing me by, leaving me behind
everyday the finishing line gets further and blurer
the colours slowly ebbing away, exposing the ugly concrete grey

I’m getting used to people dear going away
betrayal. heartaches. relocation.
very soon nothing’s gonna really matter anymore
just another drop of despair in the murky depths of angst

*It seems the older one gets, the smaller the space to dream*

if I just lay here would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I’ve been playing this song over and over again and yet it stubbornly sticks in my mind, replaying over and over again whenever peace and silence reigns in my mind. partially irritating but I really suspect it’s because the words are so true and profound that it simply has to ring from my mind right through my subconscious.

*Chasing Cars*

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

after 5 days of mental brainwashing

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sail. Explore. Dream. Discover."
Mark Twain

not knowing

“You just have to know. And when you don’t know then no one can fault you for it. You do what you can, when you can, while you can. When you can’t, you can’t.”
Dr ‘The Nazi’ Miranda Bailey, Grey’s Anatomy

a real pain in the arse

I just re-read some of my old entries and I think I’m turning into an insufferable whining prig. Now that’s a horrid thought. Whatever happened? But truth be told, it’s getting harder and harder to smile in the face of such extreme adversaries. PR was really never my cup of tea. Panyways, I suppose it’s time to think good thoughts… think good thoughts… it’s all in the mind… yeah, right. Someone pass me a barf bag. quick!

a new beginning of sorts

Many a time life hits us with the unexpected. A curve ball that one simply can’t dodge. And for how long have you allowed that same ball to hit you square in the eye, over and over again. How many bruises have you sustained with the countless continuous battering pain without making a squeak of a sound. How many times have you envisioned a day free of such head pounding madness. How long have you lasted replaying those days in your head and yet do nothing at all. Isn’t it time to do something? The ball’s in your court, no matter where you think it really is.
Do something for yourself. For once.

christmas

Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honour and glory for ever and ever.
1 Timothy 1:17 NIV

welcome to the world

today the world added another babe to its tally.
she's absolutely gorgeous.
to the guys out there, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

destitute

i spent the whole day exploring aka shopping at parkway parade with my mum. go figure.

forgotting what to do with leisure

my life is slipping away.
literally, since I’m doing nothing much with my leave.
so what exactly does one do with long stretches of time?
eat? sleep?
been there, done that.
anymore suggestions?

so bloody tired

like my header reads, I’m so damn bloody tired. my head throbs, my back aches and my doc had to prescribe some anti-tension / relaxation pills for me today. am supposed to take two before I hit the sack, whenever that is. just have to hang on for 2 more days. it’ll really be by God’s grace when I survive the next 48 hours sanity intact.

The Land Of Inbetween

We usually don’t like being in between anything - not big trucks on the highway, no a rock and a hard place, not jobs, not a hammer and nail, and not feuding neighbours. However, that’s precisely where we’ll spend most our time – “The Land of Inbetween” – without ever realizing that is where we are.

While there are many highs and lows in our walk with Jesus, we’ll actually spend most of out time somewhere in between the highest highs and the lowest lows. Those long passages through “The Land of Inbetween” intensify our highs and prepare us to survive the lows.

As much as we would like to always fly like eagles or run and never faint, we will spend most of our lives walking with Jesus (Isaiah 40:28-31). We will remember those flights of spiritual ecstasy and power. We will replay those hard races against our enemy. However, our souls will be nourished and our spirits fed in “The Land of Inbetween” or we will never reach our highs or survive our lows.

Unless I’m mistaken, you’re probably in “The Land of Inbetween” right this moment. After awhile, it gets to be a comfortable place. We take it for granted since it is so familiar. That’s what makes our stay here so important – we will live so much of our lives here, ingraining habits and settling into routines. However, when the times of trial come, when moments of great accomplishment for God’s Kingdom are presented to us, what we’ve done to grow in “The Land of Inbetween” will determine where we come out in the end.

While I’d love to always be on the mountain tops with God or soaring on the wings of eagles, experience has taught me that much of my time will be spent in “The Land of Inbetween”. If you find yourself there with me, then why not make your time here useful so that when the times for peaks and valleys come, you’re ready to live for God.


*How ironical to read this off a piece of scrap paper due for recycling. How long will one languish before reality finally hits? I think somewhere deep inside, I have the answer but I’m too afraid and way too stubborn to face them.

the certainty of death

“Any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it might toll for thee.”
John Donne

May the dragon lady have a great time in heaven. I am a better person because of her.

taken for granted

i guess the nagging feeling has always been there and there should have had been outbursts but lately I really feel that I’ve been taken more and more for granted.

it sucks.

Bigtime.

Is being too nice a liability? But then again, when has my bitch persona ever been nice?

to people who choose a lifetime of serving mad kids

While the Good Lord was creating teachers, He was into His sixth day of 'overtime' when the angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around with this one."

And the Lord said, "Have you read the specs on this order? She has to stand above all her students, yet be on their level, be able to do 180 other things not connected with the subject she teaches, run on coffee, cokes, and leftovers, communicate vital knowledge to thousands of students daily, and be right, have as much, and sometimes more, time for her job as she does for herself, have a smile that can endure everything from practical jokes to pay cuts, go on teaching when parents question her every move and the administration doesn't understand, and have six pairs of hands.

The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands... not possible."

"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord. "It's the three pairs of eyes that teachers have to have."

"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.

The Lord nodded. "One pair that can see a student for what he is and not what society has labeled him. Another pair must be in the back of her head, to see what she shouldn't, but what she has to know. OF course, the ones here in front can look at a child when he goofs up and reflect, 'I understand and I still believe in you.' without so much as uttering a word."

"Lord," said the angel, touching His sleeve gently, "Come to bed. Tomorrow…"

"I can't," said the Lord. "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who comes to work when she is too sick, can still teach a class when they don't want to learn, loves thousands of children that are not her own and all of this in both sexes. And wait until you see my Special Ed teacher! She is truly special; she will never take anything her students do for granted."

The angel circled the model of the teacher very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.

"But tough," said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this teacher can do or endure."

"Can she think?"

"Not only can she think, but she can reason and compromise."

Finally the angel bent over and ran her fingers across the cheek of the teacher. "There's a leak," she pronounced." I told you that you were putting too much into this model. You can't imagine the stress factor."

The Lord moved in for a closer look and gently lifted the drop of moisture to His finger where it glistened and sparkled in the light."It's not a leak," He said. "It's a tear."

"A tear?" asked the angel. "What's it for?"

"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, compassion, pain, loneliness and pride."

"You are a genius," said the angel.

The Lord looked somber.

"I didn't put it there."

the weekend edition of the Wall Street Journal

Essentially, the WSJ article provided an insightful look into how Asian countries, especially South Korea which is long known for its ‘workaholism’, have responded to the 5-day work. The story led with an account of a South Korean housewife lamenting the fact that her husband was now at home on Saturdays and how his presence has made her life more miserable since he seemed to have absolutely no idea about what to do with his day off, leaving his wife to make even more domestic decisions and having to meet more of his unreasonable demands. This situation, the WSJ said, was common as it highlighted the fact that many Koreans are unnerved by the prospect of not going to the office on Saturdays and are deeply uncomfortable because they just do not know what to do with themselves with the time off.

To help their perplexed workers make the most of their free time, some companies have gone to the extent of organising ‘leisure club’ activities and have appointed ‘leisure counsellors’ for these workers, just so that they fill the empty Saturdays. In fact, many South Korean men are stressed by the time off, and worry about the economic burden leisure time is imposing on them, since they now have to worry about higher expenses necessitated by more family outings. One unnamed white-collar South Korean worker summarised, “I am beginning to realise that feeling guilty, staying long hours, and not knowing how to rest is part of our legacy.”

“In the end, it’s not the years in your life that counts. It’s the life in your years.” Abraham Lincoln

profound thoughts from a friend

Reputation (名誉) is what people think you are

Personality (性格) is what you seem to be

Character (个性) is what you really are